Awareness of Breathing

Very tired.

I keep running on deficit sleep, staying up until 11:30-12:30, even if it's just playing mindless games. And then I only sleep in past 7:00 one morning a week.

So every once in a while, I crash. It's 8:30, and my brain shuts down and says, "Get some sleep."

That happened last night. I stayed up until about 10:00, actually, which is early for me. Mostly I was telling myself that I was waiting for Simon to get to sleep, but I was still fighting for every spare minute.

It was quite hot yesterday, up to 35 °C/95 °F, but it was also windy, so the bedroom was pretty cool with the window open. But even so, by the time Nicole got to bed at 11:00, I had only gotten a few minutes of actual sleep, and headed downstairs to the futon.

Part of the problem is always my arms. I don't know what do with my arms when I sleep, especially if there's no covers. With covers, I can try to anchor them gripping the sheet, holding it under my chin, or whatever. Without covers, they won't stay in place. They often seem to end up getting squished under me or something.

Last night, though, brought on the return of the dread Awareness of Breathing, which I haven't suffered from in years. 'Cause breathing is something that, while regulated by the medulla, can be controlled by the conscious mind as well. What I sometimes find, though, is that if you're aware of every breath, and consciously breathing in and out, it is almost impossible to hand control back to the medulla. Whenever I try it, I end up just not breathing, and then I give in and make myself breathe again. You try going to sleep like that.

I turned on the light and read a few of the "Stories of the Unrefined" in the Drew Carey book. They weren't too bad, at least in the throes of extreme fatigue. About 12:30 I finally did get to sleep.

And then I woke up at 7:30, around the time Nicole and the kids were getting up. I went upstairs, back to our bed, because it's more comfortable than the futon, but no luck in getting back to sleep. Finally I gave in and got up.

So now, it's a repeat of last night. "You didn't get any extra sleep last night," my body is telling me. "You're still just as far behind, and I want cooperation this time."

But I just know that as soon as I even think about the trouble I had getting to sleep last night, I will have the same problems. Thinking about Awareness of Breathing tends to bring on Awareness of Breathing.

At least, since it's a long weekend, I might get another chance to sleep in...but not tomorrow. Tomorrow it's my turn to get up with the children.